La La La Lawyers

These hilarious exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts'. They were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
> forgot?
> WITNESS: How would I know?
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________ ___________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty -- much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
> get a new attorney?
___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with 'a male'.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
> go to?
> WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> And the best for last:
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
> for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive -- and
> practicing law.
>
> THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.